Original Law School Personal StatementPersonal Statement
When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my
father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years. --Mark Twain
My father has taught me by example that a law degree can be used as a powerful tool for
social change. After many years of practicing law, my father began to devote much of his time to community interests. Since then, I have witnessed in astonishment, the improvements in the quality of life in many of the
communities he has worked so hard to change. My father, the man who at one time, I thought knew very little, has become my mentor and friend.
World travel has been and remains one of the most vital components to my
education. My father, who was born in Greece, and spent much of his life in England, has always stressed the importance of travel. I took his word for it, and began my journal around the world during my junior year of
college. I spent the year at Oxford University, England, in what I consider today as one the most enlightening experiences of my life. The University thrives upon diversity, and it was there that I first began
understand and appreciate the uniqueness of my peers, as I was enriched through their customs and traditions. Oxford University provided me with a strong academic program, as well as valuable opportunities for
independent learning and living.
Recently, I have discovered the skills that I have acquired through world travel have come at a great benefit to me. I have spent the past six-months working among the Ngaatjatjarra,
one of the many Western Desert dialectal groups situated in the Eastern part of Australia. As a volunteer, I have become involved in their cultural, political and community initiatives. I have come to embrace the
Ngaatjatjarra way of life, as well as gain a valuable perspective in "third world" living. In the months to come I will expand my volunteer work, moving into the northern region of the Australian Outback.
Strong communication skills and law, in addition to being absolutely fundamental, are the building blocks of a successful career in law. I thrive upon working closely with people, especially in regards to specific
events of issues affecting their lives. The ability to communicate and work well with people, as I do, is to me the essence law.
Essay Critique and Examination
Steven,
Using the Mark Twain
quotation was a good idea. If you expanded on the theme of your father's example, you would unify and improve your essay. I have made some changes in the actual body of the essay, but I also think your essay needs
to provide some concrete examples of his service. How exactly did your father help so many communities? Did he offer his skills as a lawyer or did he volunteer in other community service groups?
If not, what? It would strengthen your essay to briefly note at least one project that your father has been involved with.
In your first paragraph, you drop hints that your father's community service
surprised you. Why is that? Was his work surprising only because you were younger and did not know him as well as you do know? How did you grow to know him more through his community involvement?
Did his service bring out new aspects of his personality? It would help your essay to more clearly define this change in your relationship. How are you and your father similar to Mark Twain and his father?
Some
of the topic sentences in your paragraphs seem a little out of place. In the second paragraph, the sentence is actually unnecessary. It takes away from the theme of your father's guidance. The same
goes for the third paragraph.
Another question: How does your experience at Oxford relate to law? I made this connection more clear in the revision. I assume that, in addition to teaching invaluable
lessons about working and learning with all types of people, your experience with Oxford's diversity and academic rigor have led you to seek that in law school as well.
"I took his word for it, and began my journal around the world." I think you mean journey here.
"as well as gain a valuable perspective in 'third world' living." Your quotations around
third world interfere with the sincerity of your narrative voice. Quotation marks indicate disapproval of the phrase you go on to use. Instead, think of a better way to describe the type of living that you
experienced while you were with the Ngaatjatjarra. I might suggest aboriginal, non-Western, or less-developed as alternatives. You probably know what word to use better than I do, but the quotation marks really
should be cut.
"Strong communication skills and law…" "Law" doesn't make much sense here. Instead, I tried to tie in some of your essays' larger themes such as travel and working
with people.
"absolutely fundamental" I have added "in personal life" here. Otherwise, your sentence is redundant.
"working closely with people, especially in regards to specific
events of issues affecting their lives." This is not terribly clear. I've replaced the whole phrase with "directly."
I've added a sentence about your father in the last paragraph. If you
begin with him, it strengthens your essay to end with him as well.
Revised Personal Statement
When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned
twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years. --Mark Twain
My father has taught me by example how to use a law degree as a powerful tool for social change. After many years
of practicing law, my father began to devote much of his time to community interests such as [name a group or project here]. I witnessed in astonishment how my father's hard work improved the quality of
life in many surrounding communities. As I have matured, my father, a man who I knew very little at one time, has become my mentor and friend.
My father was born in Greece and spent much of his life in
England. He always stressed the importance of travel. I took his word for it, and began my journey around the world during my junior year of college. I spent the year at Oxford University, England, in what I
consider today to be one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. The University thrives on diversity. At Oxford, I began to understand and appreciate the uniqueness of my peers. Their customs and traditions
enriched me, along with Oxford University's strong academic program and its valuable opportunities for independent learning and living; these experiences fed my desire for more like these.
I have spent the
past six-months working among the Ngaatjatjarra, one of the many Western Desert dialectal groups situated in the eastern part of Australia. As a volunteer, I became involved in their cultural, political and community
initiatives. With them, I worked to improve [insert project here]. I have come to embrace the Ngaatjatjarra way of life, and have gained a valuable perspective on non-Western, less-developed lifestyles. In
the months to come I will shift my volunteer work, moving to the northern region of the Australian Outback.
Strong communication skills and experiences with diverse people, in addition to being absolutely
fundamental in one's personal life, are essential to law. I thrive on working closely with people and helping them directly. I thank my father for this.
