"A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in uniform motion remains in uniform motion unless acted upon by an external net force." Scientifically, Isaac
Netwon's First Law is straightforward. Unless a force is applied, a mass will continue on its path, without change. However, as I have recently discovered, this physical law applies to more than just tangible objects.
It applies to my life. It applies to the experiment I ran twenty months ago to find challenge and independence, and it applies to the result, my life's change in direction, from the comfort of public day school to the
rigor of private boarding school.Problem:
In February 2000, my life was a vector, having the constant speed and direction of a daily monotony that saw no end prior to my high school graduation. Although I was in the Honors Track, I did not find my classes challenging or stimulating. I wanted more from school--I wanted more from myself. As the youngest child, with two doting parents, I was not given the level of independence that I desired. Unless an outside force altered my life, it would continue on its path, a path I found to be unsatisfactory. With the awareness of my need for change, I faced one question: "What could represent this external net force?"
Hypothesis:
If I were to attend a boarding school, I would be afforded the opportunity to be both challenged and independent, and I would seize this opportunity. Thus, this new school would represent the net force that I was in search of.
Procedure:
I confronted my parents about the idea of attending an independent school. After much research and discussion, I decided that The Peddie School in Hightstown, New Jersey, was the school that most closely fit my needs. In June, upon my acceptance, I became Peddie Falcon, and my force was finally defined.
Conclusion: Going to Peddie has provided me with the opportunities that I was in search of during my freshman and sophomore years. These include the freedom to structure my own schedule, and the ability to
interact closely with teachers that challenge me to succeed. Through these opportunities, I have learned to have responsibility for others, both in and out of my community. Inside, I am more closely tied with my peers
than I was previously, because of Peddie's close-knit community. Outside, I have developed a passion for helping others, both indirectly, through organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, and directly, by tutoring.
Peddie is the force that I looked for during my early high school career. The teachers, students, and community have all helped to accelerate me into the direction of college, where I will continue to thrive. And
because of this acceleration, no external force will be needed in September 2002, when I enter my first college lecture.
Essay Critique and Examination
Sam,
-I subtly altered the theme of your
essay. You enjoyed your experience in private school because it stimulated you intellectually, it made you think along lines you weren't previously used to, it made you act and behave in ways that you found meaningful.
That's the key to your essay. Showing how this philosophy will carry over to college! Your corrected essay, although not drastically different, will give the admissions committee a better impression that you are a
confident, mature student ready to tackle college.
-The overall flow of your essay was substantially improved.
- I am assuming you placed the Problem, Hypothesis, Procedure, and Conclusion as basic guides. I
deleted the guides.
-Sometimes your word choices were incorrect. I went through and shored up these mistakes.
- Newton's Law is correctly stated as "A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion
remains in motion, unless acted on by an outside force."
- "Unless an outside force altered my life, my existence would continue along this path, a path I found to be unsatisfactory". You have
to watch in this sentence your verb agreements. As is, the reader does not know what "it" is referring to, your life, or an outside force.
"In June, upon my acceptance, I became Peddie Falcon, and my force was finally
defined." Did you become "a" Peddie Falcon?
-You use the word "opportunities" three times in the same paragraph. I altered the word choice to correct the problem.
Your final paragraph is verbose. I
tightened some of your word choice in order to make it flow better from sentence to sentence.
Your final paragraph also tailed off a bit. I tried to end it with a little more bite.
Brian
IvyEdge.com
Revised Dartmouth Essay
"A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion remains in motion unless acted on by an outside force." Intuitively, Isaac Newton's First Law is straightforward.
Unless a force is applied to an object, a mass will continue on its path, without change. However, as I have recently discovered, this physical law applies to more than just tangible matter. It applies to me.
It
applies to the experiment I undertook twenty months ago to find challenge and independence, and it applies to the result, my life's change in direction, from the comfort of public day school, to the rigors of private
boarding school.
In February 2000, my life was a vector, having the constant speed and direction of a daily monotony that saw no end prior to my high school graduation. Although I was a student in the
Honors Track, I did not find my classes challenging or stimulating. I wanted more from school. I wanted more from myself.
As the youngest child, with two doting parents, I was not granted the level of independence
that I desired. Unless an outside force altered my life, my existence would continue along this path, a path I found unfulfilling. With the awareness of my need for change, I faced one paramount question: "What could
represent this external net force?"
If I were to attend a boarding school, I would be afforded the opportunity to be both challenged and independent, and I wanted to seize this opportunity. This new school
would represent the net force that I was searching for.
I confronted my parents about the idea of attending an independent school. After extensive research, discussion, and deliberation, I decided
that The Peddie School in Hightstown, New Jersey, was the institution that most closely fit my needs. In June, upon my acceptance, I became a Peddie Falcon, and my force was finally defined.
Attending
Peddie has provided me with those opportunities I was in search of during my freshman and sophomore years of high school. These opportunities include the freedom to structure my own schedule, and the ability to
interact with teachers who challenge me both to learn and succeed. These experiences demonstrated the importance of sharing responsibility with others, both in and out of my community. Inside, I am more closely tied
with my peers than ever before, because of Peddie's commitment to a close-knit community. Outside, I have developed a passion for helping others, both indirectly, through organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, and
directly, by tutoring.
Peddie is the defining force that I was seeking during my early high school career. The teachers, students, and community have facilitated my acceleration toward college, where I
will continue along this upward path to achievement. Because of this acceleration, no external force will be needed in September of 2002, when I begin yet another stage of my development, and take my first bold steps in
college.
