Several years ago while taking a Drawing and Design class, a project was assigned to create a functional child's toy out of ordinary household items, otherwise known as junk. This construction
assignment transformed into my personal mission because it demanded a skill set I was not comfortable with. In the end, it was not just the first place ribbon that affirmed my feeling of triumph, but the fact that
my perseverance led to the achievement of my personal vision and goal. My hand-made creation became a symbol of what I was capable of. I will pursue my career goals with the same determination and tenacity I
have demonstrated.
My ultimate career aspiration is to become a successful executive in a global company playing a leadership role in customer focused marketing, driving revenue and profit. This goal has been
shaped and grounded by many diverse marketing assignments I have benefited from in marketing research, customer relationship management, and market intelligence at Xerox Corporation.
Upon completion of my MBA
degree, I hope to immediately join a business-to-consumer firm where I can apply my graduate education and marketing research knowledge in the consumer-packaged-goods industry. I expect to become a
contributor to the delicate intricacies involved in successfully executing a consumer product to market. At first, I wish to own a piece of a product's go-to-market strategy and then eventually gain greater
participation. At the same time I will have advanced my competence in several facets of marketing. In five years, I anticipate a managerial position asserting a greater role in not only my individual
responsibilities and output, but a team's motivation and productivity as well. I foresee myself wearing the different hats of my past managers, encompassing what I found to be their positive traits with my own
personality. I await that challenge.
Realistically, one must expect obstacles on their path to success. An aspect of my personality that could potentially inhibit me is impatience. Impatience strikes
many of us at any given moment then quickly subsides. Mine is derived from unrealistic expectations. Whether the unrealistic expectation is of family, the workplace or life in general, it occasionally leads
to disappointment or irrational decisions. As an example of such an expectation, I instantly remember my customer relationship management (CRM) project I managed when I worked for the retail organization at
Xerox. The CRM concept was new and brilliant. The psycho-graphic, demographic and behavioral enriched customer data we were receiving was revolutionary to the organization. I was elated. For the first
time we had detailed data on who our end users were and their purchasing behaviors at certain retail chains. My job was to communicate and educate all the specific findings and the CRM concept to the appropriate
decision-makers on the marketing staff. I simply expected everything to promptly change. Disappointment overcame my enthusiasm. My "road show" lasted a couple of weeks and I was convinced that this
sought after customer information would give our marketing programs another perspective it needed. Nobody jumped. Nobody even blinked.
I later discovered that being a "change agent" within a large
organization or anywhere takes time, small steps and even more, patience. Several months after the CRM program was introduced it caught the attention it deserved. By then, I was awarded a new position in the
corporate organization at Xerox.
Knowing that impatience is one of my shortfalls, I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort in recognizing it in my behavior. I do not believe it will ever be completely
conquered but it can be contained. I need to dissect a larger goal or project into smaller pieces. With this strategy, my expectations are more grounded and measurable as progress is eventually made. I
am convinced this will certainly help neutralize my impatience. In addition, feedback from peers and my increasing experience will greatly improve my efforts.
My strategic business marketing
experience at Xerox Corporation coupled with my short term goal of consumer marketing experience will build the solid foundation needed to reach my long-term career goal. The MBA degree from the Robert H. Smith
School will ultimately give me the tools I need to succeed. I will maximize my MBA experience by utilizing the cross-functional curriculum, the study abroad opportunity and the corporate/ community network the
program has established. With both my perseverance and consistently being aware of the obstacles that lie before me, I hope to fulfill my career aspiration of becoming a true marketing leader.
Essay Critique and Examination
Tracy,
Overall, your essay is strong. You clearly present your goals, how your past experience will guide your future career path, what your greatest
limitation is, and how you believe you can overcome your impatience by working with more manageable goals. Unfortunately, your essay is too long. Not only do you exceed the 2 page/ 500 word
limit, you often get tangled up in your own phrasing and language. I've done some tightening to your essay in order to make it easier to read and more direct.
Make sure you seem impressive in your content
of your essay and not just in your language. Some of your word usage is a little awkward and makes you seem like you're trying too hard. For example, I've changed "encompassing" in your second paragraph to
"mixing." It is more important that your sentences be cogent and uncomplicated than how large you demonstrate your vocabulary to be.
I am confused as to the relevancy of your first paragraph. How
does this experience relate to your career goals or to your impatience? Your anecdote shows that you are capable of rising to any challenge, even if that challenge is outside your area of expertise, but you never
go on to connect this idea to the rest of your essay. In order to save word space, as well as streamline the essay, I have eliminated this paragraph and have inserted its general ideas throughout your essay.
If, in fact, you do feel that this paragraph is essential to your essay, then you must find a better way of connecting it to your larger themes.
Throughout your essay you use the passive
voice. Your writing would seem much more confident if you replaced weak, passive verbs with strong, active ones. You want to show the admission committee that you are the one driving the events in your
and the decisions you make. You are not merely a pawn acted on by outside forces. For example, in your second paragraph you write This goal has been shaped and grounded by many diverse marketing
assignments I have benefited from in marketing research, customer relationship management, and market intelligence at Xerox Corporation
. This sentence would be much improved if your rearranged its order. Instead it would read: My diverse assignments in marketing research, customer relations management, and market intelligence at
Xerox Corporation have shaped and grounded my career goals.
In your third paragraph you write: At the same time I will have advanced my competence in several facets of marketing
. This sentence is quite vague. What facets of marketing do you mean here? I have deleted this sentence because it seems to make the paragraph rather long.
Also in the third paragraph, you can
write, "I expect to contribute" instead of "I expect to become a contributor." The less complicated you make your sentences, the better.
Parallel structure in your sentences is important. Following, "I
anticipate a managerial position asserting a greater role in not only my individual responsibilities and output" make sure your include another "in". The end should read, "but in a team's motivation and
productivity as well."
You use quotation marks twice in your essay, for "road-show" and for "change agent." This punctuation is actually unnecessary, if not outright distracting. I have removed them.
Make sure you identify your pronouns. Your sentence, "I do not believe it will ever be completely conquered but it can b contained," would be more understandable if you wrote "impatience" instead of "it."
Rather than talk about your impatience as incurable, why don't you talk about how you can use it to your benefit. I have changed the end of your essay to include this idea.
I have also moved the first sentence of your last paragraph to the front of your essay.
Revised Essay 2 – Career goals and potential obstacles
My strategic business marketing experience
at Xerox Corporation coupled with my short -term goal of consumer marketing experience will build the solid foundation needed to reach my long-term career goal of becoming a successful executive in a global
company. I am particularly interested in customer focused marketing and am confidant that my determination, perseverance and tenacity will lead to the successful achievement of my personal vision.
After receiving my MBA degree, I hope to join a firm in the consumer-packaged-goods industry where I can use my graduate education and marketing research knowledge. I expect to contribute to the delicate
intricacies involved in successfully bringing a consumer product to market. Although I will begin working on a product's go-to-market strategy, I hope to gradually increase my role in the company. In
five years, I anticipate a managerial position. I am excited about managing a team's motivation and productivity in addition to my own personal responsibilities
Realistically, one must expect obstacles on their
path to success. My own obstacle is an impatience derived from unrealistic expectations. When I think of impatience, I remember my customer relationship management (CRM) project I managed for the
retail organization at Xerox. The CRM concept was new and brilliant. The psycho-graphic, demographic and behavioral enriched customer data we received was revolutionary to the organization. For the first
time we had detailed data on who our end users were and their purchasing behaviors at certain retail chains. My job was to communicate these specific findings and the CRM concept to the appropriate decision-makers
on the marketing staff. I expected everyone to promptly change. After several weeks of my road-show, disappointment overcame my enthusiasm. Although I was convinced that information would give our
marketing programs a necessary perspective, nobody jumped. Nobody even blinked.
I later discovered that being an agent for change within a large organization takes small steps and most importantly,
patience. Several months after the CRM program was introduced it caught the attention it deserved. I was awarded a new position in the corporate organization at Xerox.
I am aware that impatience is one of
my shortfalls and have made a conscious effort to recognize it in my behavior and use it for my benefit. By dividing a larger goal into smaller pieces, my expectations become more grounded and my progress more
measurable. My impatience will help to accomplish smaller goals more quickly instead of worrying about completing more long-term goals. In addition, feedback from peers and my increasing experience will greatly
improve my efforts.
The MBA degree from the Robert H. Smith School will ultimately give me the tools I need to succeed. I will maximize my MBA experience by with the Smith School's cross-functional
curriculum, the study abroad opportunity and the corporate/ community network the program has established. By persevering and consistently being aware of the obstacles that lie before me, I hope to fulfill my
career dream of becoming a true marketing leader.
