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Breaking The Rules
by Ariel Simmons, Submitted to Sarah Lawrence, Marlboro, and Hampshire College When The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
hit bookstores early in 1995, its rose- and ribbon-festooned cover resembled a romance-minded novel more than a hardcore lifestyle manual. The Rules soon topped the New York Times'
paperback bestseller list, and the public began to take notice. In an article about the growing popularity of The Rules, Time Magazine
reported that around the country, Rules Girls were "spontaneously" forming support groups. It is hard to believe it could be all that spontaneous, considering the book advises readers to search out women with similar values and "support each other, like any support group." Authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider must have realized they hadn't been thinking on the broadest scale when they used The Rules to win the hearts and control the souls of their husbands. The same methods of wily manipulation could be used to coerce the minds of single girls.
Steven Hassan, a leading exit counselor and author of Combating Cult Mind Control, writes that mind coercion is often more insidious than brainwashing. "Mind control is more subtle and sophisticated,"
says Hassan. Without a clear enemy, the subject's resistance is down. People working in fields involving thought manipulation use a check list identifying four basic components of mind coercion: Behavior Control,
Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotional Control. The Rules incorporates all of these elements, in the guise of a wise girlfriend passing on advice.
A crucial part of behavior control is regulation of
an individual's physical reality, Hassan writes. Women following The Rules surrender their right to make everyday choices, from the clothes they wear to how they spend their time. Readers are told to wear sexy clothes
in bright colors, to never be seen without make up, to correct unfortunate noses, to color gray hair, to grow their hair long, not to make eye contact with men, not to engage men first in conversation -- not even the
butcher. They are told how long they can talk on the phone, what the length of their dates should be, what is acceptable to tell men about themselves (and what is not), even what kinds of jokes they can tell. Women come
to Rules seminars with questions like, "If I'm in a long-distance relationship, how long am I allowed to stay on the phone?" This type of behavior, Hassan writes, funnels even more control to leaders, as
followers feel they must ask permission for major decisions.
In fact, rigid rules are a primary technique used in behavior control. Despite the title, the main focus of the book isn't rules but the consequences
of breaking them. Nearly every chapter has a cautionary tale of a poor girl who disobeyed The Rules: When Pam broke The Rules her boyfriend broke up with her over something trivial. After Candy broke The Rules her
boyfriend told her he didn't love her. Marcy's boyfriend abruptly stopped calling because she broke The Rules.
With relentless repetition these stories become concentrated peer pressure. Passages about
rule-breaking are loaded with words like torture, heartbroken, pain, and ignored. Those who disobey The Rules "always come back" to the authors, promising they've learned their lesson and will follow The Rules
this time. But behavior modifications, the rules of The Rules, are just a lure. Once a woman has agreed to live them, to give them a shot, she may be in much deeper than she realizes. The alarm that would normally sound
and trigger critical thought has been muted: Fein and Schneider have boarded up the exits.
Information control entails the use of deception, restriction from other sources of information, and Outsider vs. Insider
doctrines. It is Chapter 27 ("Do The Rules Even When Your Friends and Parents Think You're Nuts"), and deep into the rhetoric, when the first instructions for coping with the unruled public appear. First, the
authors advise readers not to listen to friends who will most likely challenge their "devotion to The Rules" and not to mention they're doing them, if possible. If the subject does come up, Rules girls are
instructed to smile and say, "Oh, it's just for fun." Second, the authors remind, it's preferable to find a group of like-minded women who believe in The Rules. If you cannot, just "read this book a lot,
carry it around in your purse to refer to." Men and married people, Fein and Schneider stress, are not to be polled or argued with, since they will poke holes into every rule. Rule 31 has a similar theme:
"Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist." If only therapists understood women, the book says, they too would endorse The Rules. Unfortunately, according to the authors, they don't, and their
"therapy" could in fact be a threat to a woman unsuccessful in love. "Her only hope is The Rules." Another good reason to avoid discussions with doctors, they add, is that a therapist could make you
question The Rules and cause you to lose your resolve. "You should also not read any books that go counter to this philosophy or preach any other method," say Fein and Schneider.
If no one is to be
believed or trusted -- in fact, unbelievers are to be avoided -- then there is no opportunity to analyze Rules behavior. Fein and Schneider instruct women to re-read The Rules every time their faith wavers, or when they
have broken a rule, adding repetition and affirmation to an already incredibly tautological book. By discrediting and in effect shutting off avenues of dissent, Fein and Schneider have the Rules girl trapped. They are
then in position to offer the sole path to "happily ever after," just as evangelists and religious sect leaders offer followers the road to the "happily ever afterlife."
Thought control's
first element is accepting the group's doctrine as truth. This step is set up by "proving" all other beliefs false. Hassan calls this black and white thinking. Disciples believe there are only two options:
right or wrong, heaven or hell, or in this case, following The Rules or breaking them. Next, a "loaded" language is adopted. In addition to the negative words spread thickly throughout the book, "The
Rules" is mentioned sixty times in the introductory chapters (twenty pages) alone. The authors, as I have reproduced here, italicize "rules" every time it is printed, giving each page a subliminal feel.
Never shying away from redundancy, they sometimes include nearly identical sentences in the same paragraph. "The Rules" becomes a back beat, a quiet, constant pulse throughout the book.
Thought-stopping
techniques, instrumental in thought control, are subtle but ever-present. Fein and Schneider continually remind readers that even though it doesn't feel right, it is right. "You may feel that you won't be able to
be yourself, but men will love it!" Or, in a chapter written specifically for teenagers: "Don't let your mind tell you that all of this is superficial and beneath you. (Save your mind for final exams and the
SATs.)" The message here, obviously, is don't listen to yourself, or to your instincts. Hedy Tan, a psychotherapist on record as being in favor of The Rules, advises, "don't question it, just do it."
The final element in the process of mind coercion is emotional control, though emotional control has been established early on in The Rules. When women perceive that the quality of their life depends on how well
they adhere to the regulations Fein and Schneider set forth, that attachment is clearly in place. The tactics that fall under emotional control have more to do with how the leaders exploit that dependence. The first of
these -- making the person feel that if there are problems it is always their fault, not the leader's or group's -- is the modus operandi throughout The Rules. In every example of a woman being treated poorly by a man
it is made clear that it never would have happened if she'd followed The Rules. No other reason is treated as plausible, or even given mention. It is obvious enough during the chapters on dating, in which the man's not
calling back is laid off on some tiny Rule the woman broke, but in the sections on marriage the blame game grows frightening.
"The same man who would act indifferent or ignore a wife who pursued him wouldn't
dream of it with the woman who did The Rules," Fein and Schneider claim. In other words, it's not that The Rules will attract a man with positive behaviors, but that they will mold such a man. This logic puts all
responsibility (or blame) for the actions and attitudes of the man on the woman. A list of things you don't get in a Rules marriage includes: No messy divorce. ("If you follow The Rules [he will] really fall in
love.") No marital counseling. ("When you do The Rules he doesn't have big issues with you.") No physical abuse. ("When you do The Rules, he treats you like a fragile, delicate flower. You don't have
to worry about being battered.") And no cheating. ("Of course, a playboy type who falls in love with you because you did The Rules will automatically mend his ways.")
So if one of these unfortunate
events were to occur, to whom would the fault be credited? A Rules girl couldn't blame the man. The man in the equation would simply have been reacting naturally to a broken Rule. What is she to do? Re-read The Rules.
Get better at them, so she can start protecting herself better from all that pain. An observer might wonder why she would go back to The Rules, or for that matter, to men. But if she is this deep into the system, she is
also haunted by fear. In dissuading readers from ignoring The Rules, Fein and Schneider remind them what they could face if they do. "You could easily end up alone. Think long term. Imagine a husband you love,
beautiful sex, children, companionship, and growing old with someone who thinks you're a great catch."
The real instruction is to imagine life without all these things. Remember, the book says, if women
follow The Rules, they are guaranteed everything. Again the authors give warning lessons about Rule breakers who attempt to achieve happiness on their own: Women who are so bold as to suggest lunch "always end up
heartbroken." Women who see the men they date often, will "end up watching his interest fade away. (A very painful thing. Watching someone fall "out of love" is really awful!)"
The
message is relentless. You cannot succeed on your own. No man would truly love you under normal circumstances. Without The Rules your life will be fraught with pain. Just as members of religious sects are taught they
are weak and condemned without God, and the only way to God is through the sect, Rules girls are taught that they are unfulfilled and doomed to pain without a husband, and the only route to a husband is The Rules. That
will soon be amended to The Rules and The Rules II (already in progress), not to mention the seminars, support groups, and phone consultations with Fein and Schneider, costing $250 per hour.
The Rules is a book
that confuses, attacks, and breaks down the defenses of women already insecure. It dupes and damages them while promising that bliss is around the corner. It promises to empower women, when in fact it will blame them.
It promises repeatedly that they will only have to suppress their true personality a little while. First, it is "until he says he loves you." Then, "We keep doing The Rules until the ring is on the
finger!" But finally, "If you want a good marriage, The Rules never really end."
The book promises that a husband will complete a woman's life, then it suddenly tells her to remind herself,
"[Y]ou are a very fulfilled person--stable, functional, and happy--with a career, friends, and hobbies, and you are perfectly capable of living with or without him." What could have caused this turnabout? The
next sentence answers: Men like women who are their own person. Worse than the authors' lying directly to their reader, they are training the reader to lie to herself.
By shaping behavior, regulating information,
influencing thought and manipulating emotion, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider exert a powerful control over their faithful followers. In the authors' own words, "The Rules way is not a hobby, but a religion."
Unfortunately, The Rules' closest relation may not be a hobby, or a religion, but a cult. |
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