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Original Unedited Dartmouth Undergraduate Essay
"A body at
rest remains at rest, and a body in uniform motion remains in uniform motion unless acted upon by an external net force." Scientifically, Isaac Newton's First Law is straightforward. Unless a force is applied, a
mass will continue on its path, without change. However, as I have recently discovered, this physical law applies to more than just tangible objects. It applies to my life. It applies to the experiment I ran twenty
months ago to find challenge and independence, and it applies to the result, my life's change in direction, from the comfort of public day school to the rigor of private boarding school. Problem:
In February 2000, my life was a vector, having the constant speed and direction of a daily monotony that saw no end prior to my high school graduation. Although I was in the Honors Track, I did not find my classes challenging or stimulating. I wanted more from school--I wanted more from myself. As the youngest child, with two doting parents, I was not given the level of independence that I desired. Unless an outside force altered my life, it would continue on its path, a path I found to be unsatisfactory. With the awareness of my need for change, I faced one question: "What could represent this external net force?"
Hypothesis:
If I were to attend a boarding school, I would be afforded the opportunity to be both challenged and independent, and I would seize this opportunity. Thus, this new school would represent the net force that I was in search of.
Procedure:
I confronted my parents about the idea of attending an independent school. After much research and discussion, I decided that The Peddie School in Hightstown, New Jersey, was the school that most closely fit my needs. In June, upon my acceptance, I became Peddie Falcon, and my force was finally defined.
Conclusion: Going to Peddie has provided me with the opportunities that I was in search of during my freshman and sophomore years. These include the freedom to structure my own schedule, and the
ability to interact closely with teachers that challenge me to succeed. Through these opportunities, I have learned to have responsibility for others, both in and out of my community. Inside, I am more closely tied with
my peers than I was previously, because of Peddie's close-knit community. Outside, I have developed a passion for helping others, both indirectly, through organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, and directly, by
tutoring. Peddie is the force that I looked for during my early high school career. The teachers, students, and community have all helped to accelerate me into the direction of college, where I will continue to thrive.
And because of this acceleration, no external force will be needed in September 2002, when I enter my first college lecture. Essay Critique and Examination Dear Sam, Do not be alarmed by how
different your revised essay looks. Your original essay provided and excellent framework for your ideas, but the reorganization that you will see below allows for a much clearer, presice presentation.
Stage 1: Overall Theme, Flow, Topic, Organization First, I subtly altered the theme of your essay – your presentation of these ideas focused on the actual decision to attend Peddie, which does not give
enough insight into you as a person. After careful perusal of your writing, I distilled the main concepts that underlie what you have said, and elaborated upon those points to demonstrate what this decision says about YOU. It seems that you enjoyed your experience in private school because it
stimulated you intellectually, it made you think along lines you were not previously used to, it made you act and behave in ways that you found meaningful. These are the types of attributes that an admissions board must see
in order to cement your position in the entering class– they want to get to know how your mind works, how you will respond as a student as well as a thinker.
The key to your essay, therefore, is to show how this philosophy will carry over to college. Your corrected essay, although not drastically different, will give the admissions committee a better impression of you as a
confident, mature, and overtly qualified student ready to tackle college.  Caution: Format Adjustment
The titles you included break up the natural flow of the essay, and make it difficult for the reader to follow your argument from
beginning to end. Because they are not integral to the theme (you can describe an experiment metaphorically, without the direct
references), removing them does not change your basic ideas, and allows the reader to experience a coherent essay, rather than the sum of parts, which drastically improves the streaming quality of your writing.
Stage 2: Sentence Level Nuts and Bolts
Note: Word Choice Adjustment
Occasionally, your word choice was inconsistent and vague. I meticulously polished and shored up certain phrases so that your intended meaning IS
what is written in ink.
Additionally, Newton's Law is correctly stated as "A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion remains in motion, unless acted
on by an outside force." I changed this wording so that your writing would be scientifically sound.
Caution: Verb Agreement
"
Unless an outside force altered my life, my existence would continue along this path, a path I found to be unsatisfactory". In this sentence,
your verbs do not agree. As is, the "it" could refer either to your life, or to 'an outside force'. This example indicates
that your sentence structure is simply too complex. By the end of the sentence, your reader has lost track of the main idea, and thus your words get in the way of the thoughts they convey. Despite common misconceptions, simpler sentences often prove more effective!
As you'll notice, I reorganized your paragraph structure a bit, since you want to keep the chronological order of your narrative intact.
Repetition is a sign of weak writing, so you should always vary your word choices. You use the word "opportunities" three times in the same paragraph, so I chose synonyms to correct the problem.
Throughout the essay, and particularly in the last paragraph, your writing is a bit verbose. I tightened some of your word choices (i.e. –
choose a single word or construction rather than one with a lot of conjunctions or descriptors) in order to make it flow better from sentence to sentence. It seemed that your final paragraph tailed off a bit.
Remember, this is the final thought that will stick with your reader, possibly as he or she makes an admissions decision. Make it strong and convincing! I tried to end it with a little more bite,
so please read over it carefully to make sure I'm not abusing my discretion. The aspects I pinpointed include the completion of the
metaphor, and HOW Peddie has affected YOU. You are writing an essay about yourself, so don't be afraid to be somewhat self-congratulatory –
Remember, you are your only, and best advocate! All the Best,
Team IvyEdge Revised Dartmouth Essay
"A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion remains in motion unless acted on by an outside force."
Intuitively, Isaac Newton's First Law is as engaging as it is straightforward. Unless a force is applied to an object, a mass will continue on its path, without change in speed or direction. Some would call this
inertia. However, as I have recently discovered, this physical law applies to more than just tangible matter. Its principle aptly describes the evolution of my own thought patterns, self-discovery,
and passions over the past four years. In February 2000, my life had constant velocity, the speed and direction of my daily existence monotonous and unstimulating. Given
this state of affairs, I saw no possibility of acceleration prior to my high school graduation. Although I was a student in the Honors
Track, I did not find my classes challenging. Though I enjoyed the easy ride, I wanted more from myself. I hungered for the change that would broaden my academic perspective, and I was impatient.
As the youngest child, with two doting parents, I was not granted the level of independence that I desired. Unless an outside force
altered my life, though, I knew my existence would continue along this unfulfilling path. Given my awareness of this need for change, I
faced one paramount question: "What could represent such an external net force?"
Rather than wait for college to provide a new challenge, I undertook an experiment twenty months ago. Its objective? To find that
independence, and its result has altered the trajectory of my life. After much thought, I approached my parents about the idea of
attending an independent school. The jump from the comfortable path of life as a student at a public day school, to the rigors of a private boarding school provided the impulse for such a change.
After extensive research, discussion, and deliberation, I decided that The Peddie School in Hightstown, New Jersey, was the institution
that most closely fit my needs. In June, upon my acceptance, I became a Peddie Falcon, and finally found the force that could disturb the monotony of my daily routine. Attending
Peddie has provided me with the opportunities I sought during my freshman and sophomore
years of high school, including the freedom to structure my own schedule, and the ability to interact with teachers who challenge me both to learn and succeed.
From these experiences, I have unearthed the importance of sharing responsibility with others, both within my community and beyond
its boundaries. Inside, I am more closely tied with my peers than ever before, because of Peddie's commitment to a close-knit
community. Outside, I have developed a passion for helping others, which I have nurtured through organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, and by direct tutoring.
Peddie has provided me with the force that I was seeking during my early high school career, knocking me from the set path of the
average high school student and forcing me to find my own. The teachers, students, and community have facilitated my acceleration
toward college, where I will continue this quest for individuality and challenge. My experiences at Peddie have given me direction,
and have certainly increased the velocity with which I pursue knowledge. I know this work ethic will serve me well in future endeavors,
and I take pride in the skills I've gained. Newton's observations were indeed astute, and I am thankful to have found that external force. |
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