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Original Essay 2 – What are your career goals and potential obstacles?
Several years ago while taking a Drawing and Design class, a project was assigned to create a functional child's toy out of ordinary household items, otherwise known as junk. This construction assignment
transformed into my personal mission because it demanded a skill set I was not comfortable with. In the end, it was not just the first place ribbon that affirmed my feeling of triumph, but the fact that my
perseverance led to the achievement of my personal vision and goal. My hand-made creation became a symbol of what I was capable of. I will pursue my career goals with the same determination and tenacity I
have demonstrated. My ultimate career aspiration is to become a successful executive in a global company playing a leadership role in customer focused marketing, driving revenue and profit. This goal has been
shaped and grounded by many diverse marketing assignments I have benefited from in marketing research, customer relationship management, and market intelligence at Xerox Corporation. Upon completion of my MBA
degree, I hope to immediately join a business-to-consumer firm where I can apply my graduate education and marketing research knowledge in the consumer-packaged-goods industry. I expect to become a
contributor to the delicate intricacies involved in successfully executing a consumer product to market. At first, I wish to own a piece of a product's go-to-market strategy and then eventually gain greater
participation. At the same time I will have advanced my competence in several facets of marketing. In five years, I anticipate a managerial position asserting a greater role in not only my individual
responsibilities and output, but a team's motivation and productivity as well. I foresee myself wearing the different hats of my past managers, encompassing what I found to be their positive traits with my own
personality. I await that challenge. Realistically, one must expect obstacles on their path to success. An aspect of my personality that could potentially inhibit me is impatience. Impatience
strikes many of us at any given moment then quickly subsides. Mine is derived from unrealistic expectations. Whether the unrealistic expectation is of family, the workplace or life in general, it
occasionally leads to disappointment or irrational decisions. As an example of such an expectation, I instantly remember my customer relationship management (CRM) project I managed when I worked for the
retail organization at Xerox. The CRM concept was new and brilliant. The psycho-graphic, demographic and behavioral enriched customer data we were receiving was revolutionary to the organization. I was
elated. For the first time we had detailed data on who our end users were and their purchasing behaviors at certain retail chains. My job was to communicate and educate all the specific findings and the CRM
concept to the appropriate decision-makers on the marketing staff. I simply expected everything to promptly change. Disappointment overcame my enthusiasm. My "road show" lasted a couple of
weeks and I was convinced that this sought after customer information would give our marketing programs another perspective it needed. Nobody jumped. Nobody even blinked. I later discovered that
being a "change agent" within a large organization or anywhere takes time, small steps and even more, patience. Several months after the CRM program was introduced it caught the attention it
deserved. By then, I was awarded a new position in the corporate organization at Xerox. Knowing that impatience is one of my shortfalls, I have to make a conscious and deliberate effort in recognizing it in my
behavior. I do not believe it will ever be completely conquered but it can be contained. I need to dissect a larger goal or project into smaller pieces. With this strategy, my expectations are more
grounded and measurable as progress is eventually made. I am convinced this will certainly help neutralize my impatience. In addition, feedback from peers and my increasing experience will greatly improve my
efforts. My strategic business marketing experience at Xerox Corporation coupled with my short term goal of consumer marketing experience will build the solid foundation needed to reach my long-term
career goal. The MBA degree from the Robert H. Smith School will ultimately give me the tools I need to succeed. I will maximize my MBA experience by utilizing the cross-functional curriculum, the study
abroad opportunity and the corporate/ community network the program has established. With both my perseverance and consistently being aware of the obstacles that lie before me, I hope to fulfill my career
aspiration of becoming a true marketing leader. Essay Critique and Examination Dear Michael,  Harvard Business School Heads-Up
Harvard Business School is looking for students who show a logical progression from past career experiences to future educational and professional goals. Your essay should show your interest in
obtaining an MBA by explaining how a degree from Harvard fits snugly within your long-term career goals and past professional experiences.
Some initial questions to consider:
2) What is it specifically about a Harvard MBA that will help you attain those goals?
3) Why is now the perfect time for you to obtain an MBA from Harvard? Stage 1: Overall Theme, Flow, Topic, OrganizationThematically, your essay is strong. But, you need to present professional goals in a clearer fashion.
How will your past experience influence your future career path, what is your greatest limitation, and how do you believe you can overcome
your impatience by working with more manageable goals?
Caution: Word Length
Unfortunately, your essay is too long. Not only do you exceed the 2 page / 500 word limit, you often get tangled up in your
own phrasing and language. I have tightened the language of your essay in order to make it easier to read and more direct.
Make sure you are impressive in the context of your essay and not just in your language. Various word usage is awkward and
this makes your writing seem as if you are pulling teeth. For example, in a particular sentence, you use both "new and
brilliant" and "revolutionary". For all practical purposes, these two phrases are identical. I deleted the first to make the sentence tighter.
It is more important that your sentences be clear than how large you demonstrate your vocabulary to be. Caution: Relevancy
I am confused as to the relevancy of your first paragraph. How does this experience relate to your career goals or to your
impatience? Your anecdote shows that you are capable of rising to any challenge, even if that challenge is outside your area of expertise,
but you never go on to connect this idea to the rest of your essay. In order to save word space, as
well as streamline the essay, I have eliminated this paragraph and have inserted its general ideas throughout your essay. If, in
fact, you do feel that this paragraph is essential to your essay, then you must find a better way of connecting it to your larger themes. Caution: Passive Voice
Throughout your essay you use the passive voice. Your writing would seem more confident if you replaced weak, passive
verbs with strong, active ones. You are not merely a pawn acted on by outside forces. I have gone through and changed verbs to an active form wherever possible.
One additional overall comment involves the theme of your essay. You seem to focus on a particular position that you hope to achieve (i.e. In five years, I expect a managerial position…). This is not a strong argument in the eyes of the Harvard Admissions Committee
– they hope to provide you with skills in a particular field, not vocational training. In
other words, you need to show that you are looking for more than just a job, but rather the knowledge base that will provide you with the means by which to achieve that position. Note: Structural Revision
I have switched the order of your (new) first and second paragraphs, since the second paragraph seems more general and introductory than the first.
Stage 2: Sentence Level Nuts and Bolts
Often, I find that your discussion of your past experience is quite vague. For example, in your third paragraph you write: At the same time I will have advanced my competence in several facets of marketing
. What facets of marketing do you mean here? I have deleted this sentence because it seems to make the paragraph rather long. Throughout the essay, I have
worked to eliminate vagueness, keeping only the most salient points. You use quotation marks twice in your essay, for "road-show" and for "change agent". This punctuation is actually
unnecessary, if not outright distracting. I have removed them. Make sure you identify your pronouns. Your sentence, "I do not believe it will ever be completely conquered but it can b
contained," would be more understandable if you wrote "impatience" instead of "it." Also, I noticed that you use "my" very often throughout the essay. This shows that your sentence structures and word choice are not varied enough
. I have gone through and added novel structures in order to eliminate this repetition.
Rather than talk about your impatience as incurable, why don't you talk about how you can use it to your benefit? I have changed the end of your essay to include this idea.
Overall, your essay is descriptive and well conceived.
All The Best
Team IvyEdge Revised Essay 2 – Career goals and potential obstacles
Upon receiving my MBA degree from Harvard University, I will use my graduate education and marketing research knowledge
in the context of the consumer-packaged-goods industry. First and foremost, I look forward to the challenge of successfully
bringing a consumer product to market. Although I will begin working on a product's go-to-market strategy, I eagerly
anticipate gradually increasing my managerial context within the company. In addition to these future responsibilities, I am excited about managing a team's motivation and productivity.
My strategic business marketing experience at Xerox Corporation, coupled with my short-term goal of success in consumer
marketing, will build the solid foundation needed to reach my long-term career goal of playing a leadership role in a global
company. I am particularly interested in customer focused marketing and am confident that my determination, perseverance and tenacity will lead to the successful achievement of this personal vision.
My greatest obstacle is likely to be my impatience, which is a direct result of hightened professional expectations. When I
think of impatience, I recall the customer relationship management (CRM) project I managed for the retail organization at
Xerox. The CRM concept was revolutionary, as was the psycho-graphic, demographic and behavioral enriched customer data
we received. For the first time, we had detailed data on the identity of our end users, and on their purchasing behaviors at
certain retail chains. My job was to communicate both these specific findings and the greater CRM concept to the
appropriate decision-makers on the marketing staff. Because of my impatience, I expected everyone to promptly change.
After several weeks of my road-show, disappointment overcame my enthusiasm. Although I was convinced that information
would give our marketing programs a novel and necessary perspective, nobody jumped- nobody even blinked.
Later, I discovered that being an agent for change within a large organization takes small steps and, most importantly,
patience. Several months after the CRM program was introduced, it caught the attention it deserved. As a result, I was awarded a new position in the corporate organization at Xerox.
My awareness of this shortcoming allows me both to recognize it in my behavior and to use it to my benefit. By dividing a
larger goal into fundamental pieces, my expectations become more grounded and my progress more measurable. My
impatience will help to accomplish smaller goals more quickly, and the lessons of increasing experience will encourage my efforts.
I am confident that an MBA degree from Harvard will not only give me the tools that I need in order to succeed, but the
necessary personal insight into my own inner workings. I will maximize my MBA experience by taking advantage of Harvard's
cross-functional curriculum, the study abroad opportunity, and the corporate / community network the program has
established. Through perseverance and consistent awareness of the obstacles that lie before me, I hope to fulfill my career dream of becoming a true marketing leader. |
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